So I finally have the courage to write about my most recent trial. Maybe my
words will help someone else or maybe they won’t, but it helps me to write down
my feelings so here it goes...
As most of you know I tried Clomid in September. We waited a month after taking it to see if I had gotten pregnant. I got a negative pregnancy test so I said oh well maybe next time. Well towards the middle of November I kept getting a feeling to test again. I, of course ignored it until I just decided fine I would humor the though and it was positive. I though I was going to pass out due to shock. I got so excited and set up a doctor appointment to see how far along I was. Then two days later I started spotting. I was nervous but spotting is normal. Then it turned into full on bleeding. After a lot of doctor visits I finally got the conformation that I had lost the baby. I was heartbroken.. I had always said that God knew I couldn't handle a miscarriage after having the trial of the difficulty of getting pregnant so I wouldn't have one. I was wrong, he knew better than me. I struggled with thoughts against God like; why would he tell me I was pregnant then take it away two days later? Why couldn't I have just started bleeding and think it was just my period? To this day I still don't understand why things played out like they did. I am so grateful for the priesthood and the blessing I was able to get to comfort me. I know that was the only way I got through that horrible experience. I am also glad it happened while my family was in town for that extra support. I don't think I have ever gone through something so emotionally painful as well as physically painful. This may be TMI for some but every time I went to the bathroom and saw the tissue I lost I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. That was my baby in the toilet. Even though it was still early in the pregnancy ( no one knows how far along because when they did finally did the ultrasound i had passed most of it already, if it was from the Clomid I could have been 11 weeks, but from everything they tested I was prob anywhere between 5-7 weeks) that baby was still mine and still so hard to loose. It was so hard for me to be around both sides of our family over Thanksgiving and keep a smile on my face pretending that everything was okay when really inside it felt like a million knives were stabbing my heart. There were many tears shed behind closed doors. I have come to peace with it even though sometimes I still cry. I know heavenly father has a plan for that baby whether the body wasn’t strong enough for that sprit and that baby will get another chance at life, or if that tiny embryo was all that spirit needed for this life. I don’t know but I know heavenly father will take care of him or her and that I will have another chance to raise another baby down the road. I am eternally grateful for the beautiful daughter that I was blessed with. She has such a loving and sweet spirit. Just the other day I was having a hard day. She climbed into my bed next to me and laid down. She looked at me and said, “hold you” and grabbed my head and put it on her chest and held me for a few minutes. I am amazed at how much love is in her tiny body. I am definitely grateful for her influence in my life. It is a privilege to be her mom. I just hope one day I can give her a sibling to love as well.
Love you my angel baby! I will never hold you in my arms in this life, but will always hold a place for you in my heart. <3
