Heaven gets another angel baby 0:)

Aside from parents and coworkers no one had an idea that this week I was 11 weeks pregnant. We were getting ready to tell everyone with a cute announcement in a couple weeks, until one day everything changed. Up until this point every thing looked great we saw a heart beat at 6 weeks and I had all the pregnancy symptoms imaginable. We felt this was our miracle baby after the storm of loosing the other one in November. This one was even due in November the same time we lost the last one. We had such hope for this new life in me. The biggest miracle was I was not on any drugs to conceive, it was just a surprise. This week I started bleeding a little bit more than spotting so I decided to go get it checked out thinking it was probably something small, boy was I wrong! They did an ultrasound and found out the baby  had died 5 weeks earlier... 5 weeks i carried a dead baby! It measured only 6 weeks and a few days meaning it must have passd a few days after we saw the heart beat. I was heartbroken to say the least. Not only did I have to deal with raging Emotions that night I went through miscarriage labor. This is where your body contracts and you expel all the tissue, baby, and placenta. It's awful! I'm still not okay. I put make-upon today to hide my puffy eyes from crying so much. I put a smile on and pretended I was okay so no one would have to feel sorry for me, when in fact I am hurting physically and emotionally.  My biggest question is why are 2 of my babies gone? Anyone who knows me knows I would give a baby so much love and care. Why have they been taken away from me when there are so many other incapable mothers who could careless about thier babies. It's so frustrating!!! I guess the only thing to do now is fake it till I make it. Life doesn't stop for anything. This Mother's Day is going to hurt so bad! At least I have a loving daughter to help soften the blow. If you ask her where mommies baby is she will tell you with Jesus, such a sweet girl. My feelings are everywhere so I won't vent anymore but just know right now I am not okay, but with time this too will heal.

RIP angel baby #2

Lost but not forgotten

So I finally have the courage to write about my most recent trial. Maybe my words will help someone else or maybe they won’t, but it helps me to write down my feelings so here it goes...

As most of you know I tried Clomid in September. We waited a month after taking it to see if I had gotten pregnant. I got a negative pregnancy test so I said oh well maybe next time. Well towards the middle of November I kept getting a feeling to test again. I, of course ignored it until I just decided fine I would humor the though and it was positive. I though I was going to pass out due to shock.  I got so excited and set up a doctor appointment to see how far along I was. Then two days later I started spotting.  I was nervous but spotting is normal. Then it turned into full on bleeding. After a lot of doctor visits I finally got the conformation that I had lost the baby. I was heartbroken.. I had always said that God knew I couldn't handle a miscarriage after having the trial of the difficulty of getting pregnant so I wouldn't have one. I was wrong, he knew better than me. I struggled with thoughts against God like; why would he tell me I was pregnant then take it away two days later? Why couldn't I have just started bleeding and think it was just my period? To this day I still don't understand why things played out like they did. I am so grateful for the priesthood and the blessing I was able to get to comfort me.  I know that was the only way I got through that horrible experience. I am also glad it happened while my family was in town for that extra support. I don't think I have ever gone through something so emotionally painful as well as physically painful. This may be TMI for some but every time I went to the bathroom and saw the tissue I lost I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. That was my baby in the toilet. Even though it was still early in the pregnancy ( no one knows how far along because when they did finally did the ultrasound i had passed most of it already,  if it was from the Clomid I could have been 11 weeks, but from everything they tested I was prob anywhere between 5-7 weeks) that baby was still mine and still so hard to loose. It was so hard for me to be around both sides of our family over Thanksgiving and keep a smile on my face pretending that everything was okay when really inside it felt like a million knives were stabbing my heart. There were many tears shed behind closed doors. I have come to peace with it even though sometimes I still cry. I know heavenly father has a plan for that baby whether the body wasn’t strong enough for that sprit and that baby will get another chance at life, or if that tiny embryo was all that spirit needed for this life. I don’t know but I know heavenly father will take care of him or her and that I will have another chance to raise another baby down the road. I am eternally grateful for the beautiful daughter that I was blessed with. She has such a loving and sweet spirit. Just the other day I was having a hard day. She climbed into my bed next to me and laid down. She looked at me and said, “hold you” and grabbed my head and put it on her chest and held me for a few minutes. I am amazed at how much love is in her tiny body. I am definitely grateful for her influence in my life. It is a privilege to be her mom. I just hope one day I can give her a sibling to love as well.

Love you my angel baby! I will never hold you in my arms in this life, but will always hold a place for you in my heart. <3

Clomid aka the devil drug

So I know all I blog about is trying to get pregnant, but it is my biggest trial and has consumed most of my everyday life so sorry if it gets old but the only way I can half way deal with it is to type it out. As of lately I have gone through a completely different aspect of the trial. So a few months ago I was able to get on metformin the drug I as able to concive Naomi on but nothing really happened this time my periods didn't regulate like before and I didn't ovulate. After trying to figure out if I should try the clomid ( a fertility drug from the devil haha) I concidered to have got my answer the next day when my period started unexpectedly. I took this as a sign and started the clomid on day 5 of my cycle as instructed. I thought after finishing the perscription this isn't as bad as everyone says no hot flashes or bad mood swings. I thought I got off lucky , boy was I wrong. Half way through the month I started doing ovulation tests to see when we should do the deed but I ran out of tests before I ovulated so I resorted to watching cervical mucus .. Gross! So I think I ovulated at the end of September especially because I could feel pain in both ovaries. So it hasn't been that long and for me it's way to early to test because my body doesn't produce the hug hormone as fast. With Naomi it was a month until I found out. I am going crazy taking a pregnancy test every day because something just feels off and I think I am but this is where the emotional roller coster starts. Clomid can mimic pregnancy symptoms so even if I feel pregnant it could be after effects from the drug which is so annoying. I also feel like no one has experienced exactly what I am going through so I have no support group. I also see how much my husband wants more babies, but it's my fault because it's my body that's broken not his. There is so much more stress on me to get pregnant because I have to load myself with drugs to even have a remote chance of conceiving. It's been so hard because Naomi goes up to babies and hugs them and wants to hold them. I know she would be the best big sister but I haven't been able to provide one for her. I know it all happens in gods time and I have faith it will, but this is getting harder than ever when my brain thinks I am pregnant and have gotten an answer to my prayers but every time I'm not. I don't know how to cope with this. For now I guess I have to deal with all the crying, queezyness, and slight cramping and pray this time it's really it. 

Thank Heaven for Little Girls!

So today as me and Naomi were spending the morning together I could help but feel grateful I that I have a daughter. She came to me this morning with a bottle of nail polish and sat down and put her foot out so I could paint her toes. It just made me laugh she is so funny like that. She also loves getting her hair done and will just sit there while I do it. I am so lucky I always wanted a girl and I defiantly have a full fledge girl sass and all. She brings so much joy into my life and has such a sweet spirit. I can't believe how much personality is packed into her little body. She loves to talk, help mommy clean and do laundry, eating chocolate (if you have some she will find it), taking care of her baby dolls, and cuddling with mommy and daddy before bed. She knows a hand full of sign language signs that she uses daily such as please, thank you, more, water, milk, drink, candy,and bed. She loves giving hugs and kisses and says hi and smiles at every one she meets. She is a busy girl she never stops until its bedtime.  I wish she could stay little forever, but they grow up no mater what. I almost forgot to mention she is BINKY FREE! I am so happy we don't have to pack those binkies around any more. Here are a few of her and all her girlyness enjoy!

Update a long time comming

So again a lot has happened and I haven't updated so here is my massively long post about my life since the last time. Shaun has improved with his device yay, but we still have some more appointments to keep upping the levels of his device so we are hoping it will only get better from here. We don't go back until April so we still have a little while to see how its working at the level it is currently at. This has been a huge blessing to us, and we hope it will continue to show improvements so Shaun can lead a more normal lifestyle.

Naomi is growing up so fast and she is always smiling, being silly, or laughing. She loves her grandpa and grandma to pieces although most days she favors grandpa haha. it has been good living here with them for a while so that she can get to know them better. I still can’t believe she will be two in June... time flies too quick. She loves going to work with mommy and playing with all the kids. I am still loving my job, but sometimes I come home and crash because working with twelve 2 year olds at a time can be a lot of work.

We are finally in a place where we can get our own place again I can’t wait. Though it is harder than it seems. Finding a decent place within our price range is a little tricky, but I have faith we will find the right place if we keep looking.

 

 

            So on a more serious note.. ( NOTE to those mentioned please do not feel bad or be offended) Many of you who keep up with my posts know that I went through a few months of depression due to the lack of being able to get pregnant again and no I am still not pregnant. I want to thank those of you who gave me courage and love and helped me though this rough time. During that time almost all of my friends became pregnant and every time it was a blow to my gut. Then my sister in law announced she was expecting and I wanted to give up on everything it was the last straw although that was my turnaround point as well. I hated feeling the way and did and thinking the way I did. I didn't understand why everyone but me was being blessed with another baby. I pleaded with the lord above that both my sister in laws wouldn't be pregnant at the same time if I still wasn't pregnant because it would be too much for me to handle. Months went by and I got out of my depression I started trusting and relying more on the lord for strength and comfort and enjoying the moments with my sweet daughter more. This is where my life lesson gets inserted. Remember that plea I mentioned before well it was not granted my other sister in law announced she is expecting and I am still not. I thought back on that day I prayed earnestly and thought okay this must be funny to him because he is trying to prove me wrong or something , but then I remembered he would never be cruel he loves me unconditionally and knows my situation. So I must be stronger than I think I am and I feel like I already am I didn't even cry when she told me and I actually felt happy for her so that's a plus... I still feel like the odd one out and probably will for a while but I know that the lord will bless me with another bundle of love when my time is come. My life lesson never tempt the lord by saying you’re not strong enough hhahah; no really he knows how much we can handle and how much we need to handle to grow so trust in him that no matter what happens it will be for your good.

I am so grateful for my loving husband that listens to me complain and cry and all that girly stuff yet he loves me anyway. I am also grateful for the knowledge of heavenly father and his eternal plan. I don't know where I would be without it.

Thank you all for your love and support until next time,

Love,

Andrae Michelle

Potato gleaning

For those of you who don't know what potato gleaning is, after the farmers go through their fields harvesting the potatoes you can go through and pick up all the ones that fell off the truck or got missed by the combine and take them home for free. We decided this would be fun for the whole family so we gathered buckets and boxes and went out to find some potatoes. Naomi had so much fun finding potatoes and putting them in her bucket. She especially loved finding the little baby ones that were just her size. She even found a worm and tried to eat it luckily we stopped her before she got it into her mouth. It was a great experience and a fun way to enjoy Idaho. (As always lots of pics)

Love,

 Andrae Michelle

A potato just her size

ooo a worm!

Mommy and daughter shot :)

I'm done guys

A few of my favorite pics of Naomi's cousin Jacob ( he is 6 months older)

 

Shaun's surgery

So as most of you know Shaun's surgery was last week. He went in to the University of Utah Hospital to have a vagal nerve stimulator put in. The surgery was only about an hour and a half long, but with the waiting and recovering it was about 4 hours worth of time in the hospital. The doctor said he did very well with the surgery and we drove home the same day. The pain meds made him a little sick but overall no problem. He went back to work 2 days after the surgery. We all thought he was crazy, but he pulled it off. The next step now is to go back down to Utah to get the device actually turned on to see how Shaun's body will respond to the stimulation. We are all hoping and praying for the best. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and love we appreciate them.


 Love,
Andrae Michelle

getting prepped for surgery



battle wounds